Master Shake vs Eric Cartman (Aqua Teen Hunger Force vs South Park)

(Barbatos)

(Joseph3042)

(Tundra)

“There is only one force stronger than selfishness, and that is stupidity.” - Ellen Glasgow

Master Shake, the manchild milkshake of Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

Eric Cartman, the definitely-not-fat mastermind of South Park.

Animation has come a long way since its humble beginnings in 1908. Although hundreds of thousands of stories have been told, few animated characters can rival these two when it comes to such unashamed greed and narcissism. 

With countless crimes under their belt, Master Shake and Eric Cartman are not to be taken lightly. They’ve terrorized their worlds for decades, but now it’s time to find out who would win a DEATH BATTLE! 

Before We Start…

Master Shake will be given all 12 seasons of Aqua Teen Hunger Force, Aqua Donk Side Pieces, Aqua Teen Forever: Plantasm, Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie for Theaters, and Aqua Teen Hunger Force Zombie Ninja Pro-Am. 

As for Cartman, he will be given all 26 seasons of South Park, all of the specials, the movie, the N64 FPS game, Tenorman’s Revenge, Stick of Truth, Fractured but Whole, Snow Day, and Phone Destroyer.

This is also where I’ll bring up the disclaimer. Gross and potentially uncomfortable topics will be brought up and mentioned throughout the blog. You’ve been warned.

Background

Master Shake

“Look, yes, I have banged hundreds of broads internationally but know this: I wrap my rascal two times ‘cause I like it to be joyless and without sensation as a way of punishing supermodels.”

Many years ago, in a castle on the shore of South Jersey, a lunatic would create a new type of life form. These creatures, designed to look like items from a fast food restaurant, were created for one purpose: to fly an airplane into a brick wall and die. They would avoid this fate when Frylock, the smartest of the group, diverted the plane to Africa in an attempt to combat world hunger. 

This new mission would be an immediate failure. Their 4th member would be killed and eaten by lions and the people they were trying to help would run away in terror at the sight of them. The remaining trio would then (somehow) make their way to New Jersey, where they would go on to form the Aqua Teen Hunger Force! It would be here that they would “befriend” their next door neighbor, Carl, and find themselves in the most bizarre adventures. 

The trio would encounter anything from nazi balloons, cybernetic ghosts of Christmas past, talking trees, giant kaijus with marital issues, shithead aliens from the moon, mutated brownies, vampires, and so much more. None of these creatures, however, can compare to the wickedness that resides within their own home, Master Shake. 

Master Shake is an incredibly evil and psychotic individual. He verbally, physically, and mentally abuses Meatwad, takes great pleasure in the pain of others (especially Carl), is incredibly misogynistic, and is completely unrepentant for all of it. Animal cruelty, child abuse, terrorism, sexual harassment, stalking, breaking and entering, murder, identity theft, cannibalism, draft evasion, and once even started WW3 to recreate a 1950s animated sitcom. More often than not, he is the reason why the Aqua Teens find themselves in trouble in the first place. 

His ego is just as big as his list of crimes, never able to concede or admit someone might be better than him at something unless he’s threatened (and even then). He’ll do anything for riches and fame, even willing to mutilate his body with horrific cosmetic surgeries or sacrifice animals to appease a sentient tattoo. Where does this leave Master Shake? Well, without the Aqua Teens, he is nothing. Incapable of fending for himself, unable to hold a job and going homeless. In every future that we’ve seen for the Aqua Teens, Master Shake always ends up dead.

Still, that doesn’t stop him from running his mouth in the present. He’ll always be around to try and make the girlies wanna scream. That is what he believes himself to be after all: the number one in the hood, G. 

Eric Cartman

“You know why you’re a hall monitor? Because you have no friends. You should kill yourself. You should kill yourself!”

You wouldn’t expect much from a town like South Park, Colorado at first glance. It’s small, rural, and home to only a few thousand people with not many standout landmarks. Beneath this innocuous appearance, however, resides one of the most vile people to ever exist. 

Eric Cartman is a 10 year old boy in the 4th grade and while it may seem that he’s too young to be evil, you couldn’t be further from the truth. With an absurdly long list of crimes committed, Eric is one of the most evil entities in South Park, potentially even worse than Satan himself.

Kidnapping, murder, assault and battery, sexual assault, torture, animal abuse, attempted genocide, enforced suicide, enforced cannibalism, you fucking name it and he’s probably done it at some point. 

But how does a mere child become so evil and hateful? Well, it starts with his mother, Liane Cartman. Liane is an “adventurous” woman and, because of this, no one was quite sure who Eric’s real father was. It wasn’t until years later that Eric, while seeking revenge against Scott Tenorman, would end up killing his father, grounding him up into chili, and then feeding him to his half-brother. 

Years later, Scott would kidnap Eric and reveal to him the brutal truth: Scott was his half brother and Eric had killed his own father. This revelation would further damage Eric’s already broken psyche. His schemes would become more diabolical, more manipulative. His paranoia and insecurities growing more intense as a result. 

Is Eric Cartman a victim? Perhaps. Does that excuse or justify his actions? No. Not at all. He’s still a racist, sexist, anti-Semetic fat pig but he’ll make sure you respect his authority.

Experience & Skill

Master Shake

Master Shake, being several decades old, has been through his fair share of lunacy. He’s fought through hordes of evil plant people, robot scorpions with missile launchers, giant pubic crabs, mummies, the Mooninites, annoyed the shit out of a body-stealing Martian until it gave up on him, tricked an alien into giving up his power, and stopped the Insanoflex from wreaking anymore havoc.

He’s survived through numerous world-altering events, such as World War 3, an alien invasion, a vampire invasion, and once even managed to escape the complete destruction of his show, fleeing to safety in “Aqua Unit Patrol Squad 1”.

He’s been to hell, a giant banana planet, the Moon, an ocean planet, alternate dimensions, and traveled through time.

As for skill… well, he’s not exactly the greatest. Though he is capable of fighting, his method of combat is akin to wildly swinging a weapon and hoping for the best.

This is also reflected in the enemies he defeats in combat, who are typically mindless drones and just as unskilled as he is. 

Eric Cartman

Eric Cartman has done a lot in his life. He’s somehow managed to get almost 3 decades worth of experience and he’s only ten years old. 

At only four years old, he already managed to permanently ruin a woman’s life by indirectly setting her on fire, leaving her an invalid for life while sending another boy to juvie. He once drove a babysitter to madness in only 3 days. By the time he was done with her, she was eating her own feces in a psych ward.

He’s constantly scheming, finding new ways to manipulate the people around him for his own benefit, such as when he purposefully instilled the fear of God into the other kids to take their money or when he tricked dozens of people into unknowingly forming an anti-Semitic hate mob.

Another time, he had his left hand become mayor of South Park by actually convincing people to vote for him. By far his most impressive case of manipulation was when he ended up in control of the actual dark god Cthulhu and commanding him to do his bidding.

Regarding skill, he’s beaten trained ninjas, police officers, military troops, and aliens. He’s tricked an entire faction of atheist beavers, helped defeat an eldritch god that I will not name, defeated nazi zombies, traveled through time to retrieve his Xbox hard drive, helped the US Government by interrogating a family, survived a non-nazi zombie apocalypse and so much more.

Equipment

Master Shake

Dragon Hilted Sword

Master Shake’s trusty sword that he can pull out of nowhere. He can charge up a spin attack that leaves him dizzy afterwards and it can also be used as a lightning rod, much to his dismay.

Battle Axe

For when a sword isn’t enough.

Golf Club

A potent blunt weapon. Shake uses this for golf, obviously, but also used it to beat Carl, and later Oglethorpe, unconscious. 

Shotgun

A shotgun with limited ammo. Shake can pull this out of nowhere at times. His aim is good enough that he can shoot a pamphlet out of the air and hit Err from several meters away.

Chainsaw

A regular chainsaw. Does more damage than his sword, but runs out of fuel quickly. 

Electric Guitar

A guitar that, when played, sends out damaging sound waves. Master Shake’s music is so terrible that it drove a robot fueled by music to kill itself.

Flamethrower

Used to incinerate an endlessly resurrecting killer doll.

Enchaliditos 

Snacks that restore Master Shake’s health upon consumption. They are very unhealthy and will give him cancer and diabetes if he eats too many.

Ol’ Drippy

Sentient mold that Shake created on accident. He can be consumed to grant an extra life, up to 4 in total. While Shake already has some form of resurrection (more about that in the Abilities section), Ol’ Drippy and the lives he provides allow him to immediately get up again after death.

Sleeping Darts

Sleeping darts filled with a mixture of 10cc Telazol and Diazepam. Instantly knocked out Meatwad when hit.

Golf Cart

A golf cart that Master Shake can drive. It’s fast enough to keep up with the Frat Aliens in a race and durable enough to take direct hits from a rocket launcher and stay intact even as the Frat Aliens ram into them with enough force to launch the cart into the moon.

Jetpack: Grants a boost in speed when used. 

Bazooka: Fires a rocket that homes in on enemy vehicles. 

Foreigner Belt

A belt that Shake (somehow) managed to get his hands on. In-game, it’s a power-up that freezes nearby enemies solid, just as it did to Carl.

The belt is also capable of quickly heating up a pool until it boils or causing blurred vision. Though Shake has never used these effects, they are still worth noting. 

Time Warner’s Vest

A vest that Master Shake stole after knocking out the Time Warner in one punch. Shake used it to travel back in time to meet himself and start World War 3 (again) but was stopped by Frylock before he could do so. 

It also possesses the ability to teleport through space without time traveling, as the Time Warner was able to teleport into Carl’s bunker while carrying Shake.

Wi-Tri

A small device given to Shake by Frylock. It’s capable of doing anything it’s asked. It can summon a group of midgets, reproduce by having sex with another Wi-Tri, create a bottle of wine from nothing, repair a broken wall, and manage to terraform mountains into pyramids.

They also mentioned that, over time, they would completely terraform the Earth into a triangle, though the time frame would’ve been years or decades long.

Chlamidian Quartz

A special alien gem that powers Master Shake’s lightning vision and grants him, as well as the other Aqua Teens, with life. Unfortunately for him, Shake’s gem was already fading when he found his on the bottom of his cup and was already losing his newly-discovered laser vision.

Eric Cartman

Bear Mace

Shoots out thick foam that can quickly incapacitate adults. Go with Christ, brah.

Ninja Sai

A pair of authentic sai Cartman bought. 

Recorder 

Used to play the Brown Note and make people shit themselves, possibly even to death.

Smoke Bombs

Eric can throw these down at the ground to create a puff of smoke, allowing him to slip away unseen. Once pulled this off in front of Obama, Chinese officials, and the other boys.

Potions

A list of consumable items that can be found in the games. There are a lot of duplicates for each item so they’ll be mashed together to save space. 

	Small Health Potion: Restores 40% of the user’s total HP upon use. Several variations of this item exist but they’re all functionally identical. You can carry up to 50 of these in total.
	Large Health Potion: Restores 60% of the user’s total HP upon consumption. Can carry 40 of these in total.
	PP Potion: Restores 10 PP after consumption. Can carry 10 of these.
	Large PP Potion: Restores 20 PP after consumption. Can carry 10 of these.
	Small Mana Potion: Restores 30 Mana upon consumption. Can carry 40 of these.
	Mana Potion: Restores 70 Mana upon consumption. Can carry up to 30 of these.
	Large Mana Potion: Restores 120 Mana upon consumption. Can carry 20 of these.
	Revive: Revives any fallen ally. Can carry 10 of these.
	Speed: Enables the user to attack two times.. Can carry 10 of these.
	Speed Potion Ultra: Enables the user to attack two times in a row while raising their attack. Can carry 10 of these.
	Bottled Water: Cleanses any negative status effects. Can carry up to 10 of these.
	Weight Gain 4000: Increases attack and defense. Can carry up to 10 of these.  In Tenorman’s Revenge, these also have the property of making Cartman temporarily invincible.
	Shit Nugget: A piece of shit that can be thrown at enemies to inflict the Grossed Out status effect. Can carry 10 of these.
	Water Balloon: A water balloon that removes an enemy’s buffs when thrown at them. Can carry up to 10 of these In Tenorman’s Revenge, this can be thrown at robots to mask them short circuit..

Tablet

A simple tablet that is instrumental to Cartman’s summoning abilities. With it, he can summon various units to fight for him.

On its own, it’s able to zap enemies that approach and release powerful shockwaves to knock enemies back once he’s taken enough damage.

Star Wars Blaster

An actual Star Wars blaster. Cartman is precise enough to shoot a gun out of someone’s hand.

Bubble Gun

A gun Cartman obtained in the future that he can use to temporarily trap people in bubbles. He was able to use this again in Tenorman’s Revenge. 

V-Chip

An electrical chip implanted into Cartman to stop him from cursing. It ended up benefitting him when he overloaded the chip and was able to fire devastating bolts of electricity at his enemies. 

Cow Launcher

A bizarre take on a rocket launcher, using entire cows as ammunition instead. It launches the poor bovine with enough force that they immediately explode into a fart cloud on contact.

In multiplayer, its effect is a lot grosser. It launches an entire cow but instead of the cow exploding, it now shoves the victim up its ass until they suffocate. 

Warpo Ray

A gun with three different functions. The first function (and the only one available in the story mode) fires live piranhas at an enemy, gradually depleting their health as they get nibbled on.

The second function, only available in multiplayer, shrinks the enemy down.

The third, and maybe most potent function, transmutes the enemy. If it hits a player, it turns them into an animal. 

If the latter two functions don’t work, then they just damage the enemy instead. 

Alien Dancing Gizmo

It started when an alien device did what it did. Cartman can fire this weapon at someone and make them dance uncontrollably for a few seconds, leaving them vulnerable and helpless to defend themselves.

If it can’t make you dance, it simply damages you instead. 

Dark Matter Gun

A gun that Cartman has access to in Tenorman’s Revenge. In the show, it banishes Evil Stan, Evil Kyle, and Evil Cartman back to their home dimensions. 

Time Manipulation Device

A device Eric and the other boys picked up while outrunning a tidal wave of piss. Upon activation, it immediately slows down time around the wielder. This effect only lasts a few seconds. 

Time Core

Devices that Eric picked up while chasing after Scott Tenorman. They allow him to follow him through time to keep on his trail. 

Abilities

Master Shake

Extreme Pain Tolerance/Resilience

Master Shake, though not the most durable Aqua Teen, still possesses ridiculously high pain tolerance and resilience. 

He’s been sliced into chunks, had his head blown off with a shotgun, lost limbs, been beaten to near death by gangsters, endured a body-altering surgery without any anesthetic, endured a painful blood transfusion that lasted several days and nights, and had a grown man crawl into his cup and then burst his way out. All of these examples were things he would end up surviving.

Resurrection/Restoration

This ability is a bit trickier to quantify given we rarely ever see it in action.

Throughout the show, Master Shake has died numerous times. He’s been blown up, struck by lightning, lobotomized, and once got torn apart by vicious alien clams.

In each of these instances, the episode is alluded to in a future episode or skit, meaning the events did happen. For instance, the episode “Total Re-Carl” ends with Master Shake being blown up by rockets. Despite this, Meatwad references this episode in the series finale, implying Shake really did die but came back anyways. 

A more blatant example is when he suffocates, dies, and then returns later in the episode like nothing happened. There’s also the time he literally watches himself die on television and mentions how that was only a weekend ago.

It can also bring him back from things like swapping bodies with a bunny.

Furthermore, every time Shake resurrects, he will always respawn back at home like nothing happened, regardless of where he originally ended up. He’s died in Hell, on an alien planet and the Broodwich dimension. All of these episodes would later be referenced at some point. 

Fourth Wall Awareness

Master Shake is aware that he’s in a TV show and has looked straight into the camera while cursing at Standards and Practices.

Another time, he calls YOU stupid for paying for cable.

Most impressively is when he was acutely aware of the fact that he, Meatwad, and Frylock were in a TV show and were being hunted for their 100th episode.

Lightning Vision

Though Master Shake has never used this ability without special equipment, he should still be able to use them, at least in theory. 

Meatwad was able to obliterate a horde of clams with one blast despite never having any experience with them.

If his gem wasn’t already fading in the penultimate episode, he would’ve likely fried Frylock and Meatwad on the spot.

Furthermore, the episode “Laser Lenses” shows that Master Shake is actually pretty adept at using such abilities when given the chance.

Misc. Abilities

Unique Physiology: Given that Master Shake is literally composed of ice cream, he is immune/highly resistant to extremely low temperatures. Additionally, he has no brain and was immune to the effects of the Hypno-Rims.

Teleportation: Master Shake has once inexplicably vanished and then reappeared behind Carl’s house. On another occasion, he can shout “Shazizzle” and be teleported away to have an audience with Zod, though he doesn’t exactly like his company. 

Ice Cream Manipulation: He can shoot ice cream out of his straw and make a mess.

Limb Detachment: Shake can detach and reattach his hands casually. Not explained or ever brought up again. Typical.

Universe Hopping: When escaping from 100, it’s actually implied that Shake and the other Aqua Teens had fled into a new universe.

Eric Cartman

Farting

Cartman’s flatulence is… special. His farts are so bad that he can use them to torture people until they give up information. He can fart fire thanks to the alien satellite that got shoved up his ass but has no control over it. 

In Stick of Truth, he’s the one that teaches the New Kid their first and second magic farts, the Dragonshout and the Cup-a-Spell. 

He also has a “fart battle” with the New Kid. Essentially having a beam struggle but with farts. Although he loses, he still makes the New Kid put in a great deal of effort.

Status Effect Infliction

A list of status effects that Cartman, his weapons, or his allies can inflict on an enemy. 

	Grossed Out: Deals damage over time. Targets afflicted cannot use potions.
	Burning: Deals damage over time. Targets afflicted are vulnerable to magic attacks but will be extinguished by them.
	Bleeding: Deals damage over time. Multiple stacks of this can be applied, multiplying the damage.
	Shocked: Deals damage over time. Targets afflicted deal damage to any of their nearby allies.
	Chilled: Targets afflicted are unable to move for a turn.
	Confused: Targets afflicted will attack anyone nearby, friend or foe.
	Charmed: Targets afflicted will fight their allies. They can be beaten into submission.
	Enraged: Targets afflicted are too angry to use their abilities. They will target the individual that pissed them off.
	Slowed: Targets afflicted are slowed and cannot move as far.

Stick of Truth Abilities

Gluttony (Passive): Cartman being a big fatass means he gets twice the value out of consumables.

Surge (Passive): Cartman replenishes 5 PP if he perfectly executes his regular attack.

Shower of Ice: Cartman ends up behind the opponent, pouring a tub of ice cold water on them that chills them out. 

Curse: Cartman begins swearing excessively and generates a massive electrical charge that he fires at his opponent.

Magic Missile: Cartman throws a tampon at his target and inflicts the Grossed Out status effect. 

Burning Cloud: Cartman sprays fire on two foes in front of them, igniting them and inflicting the Burning status effect.

Flame Strike: Cartman ignites a fart and burns his opponent.

Fractured but Whole Abilities

Coon Lunge: Cartman lunges forward and past his enemy, slashing them. 

Coon Pounce: Cartman jumps into the air and slams back down, displacing the enemy.

Coon Claws: Cartman slashes his opponent three times, inflicting them with the Bleeding status effect.

Prime-Time Coon: Cartman’s ultimate ability, he slashes all enemies on the field and inflicts the Bleeding status effect.

Mitch Conner: An entirely separate entity that resides in Cartman’s hand. He can apply status effects, transfer or negate damage, revive Cartman should he be incapacitated, give himself an extra turn, or swap places with an enemy by just straight up teleporting. Mitch was only defeated when Timmy used his telepathic abilities to prevent Mitch from cheating.

Snow Day Abilities

Fire Manipulation: Cartman shoots out fireballs into the air and has them land down on his opponents. His snowmen also release fire balls in all directions to try and overwhelm his opponents.

Bubble Shield: Cartman creates a small bubble around himself that deflects any projectile. It doesn’t last long and doesn’t protect against melee attacks.

Golem Creation: Cartman creates a giant snow golem that is immune to damage. The only way to defeat it is by incapacitating Cartman.

This snow golem, called Bulrog, is able to split itself into smaller snowmen that resemble Cartman to help him hide.

Phone Destroyer Abilities

Eric Cartman is a boss fight within Phone Destroyer and is also several deployable units.

AWESOM-O: Cartman can freeze nearby enemies in place for 4 seconds with a cosmic stomp.

Sheriff Cartman: Cartman dons a cowboy outfit. His special ability allows him to damage all nearby units with his bullet tantrum.

The Coon: Cartman gets +10 attack for every other superhero ally on the field.

Grand Wizard Cartman: Blasts nearby enemies with “super sweet magic” and stuns them for 1.5 seconds.

Zen Cartman: Cartman takes on the role of a monk. This unit doesn’t attack, simply drawing attention away from his allies and taking the punishment for them.

Limited Toon Force

Cartman has displayed a few toon force-like feats throughout the show. 

He once had his head blow up upon finding out KFC was closing.

Another time, he just pulls a mallet out of nowhere to bonk Osama Bin Laden over the head with.

This hammerspace is also likely what’s responsible for him being mostly okay with a giant alien satellite up his ass.

Support

Master Shake

Meatwad

Despite being constantly abused and mistreated, poor Meatwad is still available to help Master Shake. 

In Zombie Ninja Pro-Am, Meatwad can act as a power-up. When used, he will take the form of a hotdog and attract all nearby enemies to focus on him, allowing Shake and Frylock to get free hits in. 

Outside of the game, Meatwad can be a potent ally when he’s not picking his nose. 

He can turn into a giant meat mech, a category 6 hurricane, or turn a part of his arm into a gun and actually have it work.

His physiology as a ball of meat also grants him incredible regeneration and durability. He’s been blown up, riddled with bullets, frozen and then shattered, hit by a truck, and ground up by a go-kart. All with no lasting damage.

He was once sliced in half dozens of times (by Shake, who else?) and each half was still completely independent. Eventually, the Meatwads drove Shake to suicide with his non-stop singing. 

Meatwad also comes with the T-Shirt of the Dead. A shirt once worn by Egyptian deities, it was stolen by Shake and then shrunken in the wash, with only Meatwad being able to successfully wear it. 

With this shirt, he can warp reality and materialize anything he thinks of. He can summon giant egg monsters, Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, create a wooden brain from nothing, potentially BFR people to the Moon, and once turned Master Shake into a reindeer.

Another time, he managed to change a desert-themed golf course into a candy land.

Meatwad, when given access to a Clamidian Jewel, is also able to fire powerful beams of electricity from his eyes. Unfortunately, however, he had traded away his for some tater tots and some dipping sauce. God bless Meatwad.

Additionally, Meatwad has access to a time thong. A thong that, when rubbed, allows the user to travel through time.

Also, he can read/influence people’s minds and has spray cheese for a brain.

Eric Cartman

It’s important to note that while Eric does have an impressive deck in Phone Destroyer, he is still limited in what he can summon. Although he may not have access to every version of every unit listed below, it should be within reason to believe that these units still possess abilities and attributes that they would normally only have as alternate units. 

Kyle Broflovski

Despite hating his guts, Kyle is still willing to play along with Cartman’s antics and has multiple personas. 

High Jew Elf King

Kyle’s fantasy persona. He commands the Elves and is usually at odds with the Grand Wizard King and the humans.

Entangling Vines: Kyle spins and throws a projectile at the enemy. 

Rally: Increased ability damage for himself and for his allies.

Summon Elemental: Kyle punts Ike like a football at his enemy.

Windstorm: Kyle uses a leaf blower on the enemy and blows debris into their eyes. This leaf blower is strong enough to contend with the New Kid’s farts.

Rain of Arrows: Kyle commands his army to fire a volley of arrows down onto his opponents, inflicting bleeding. 

In Phone Destroyer, Kyle goes by Kyle of the Drow Elves and is a ranged unit with the ability to turn all allies on the field invincible for 3 seconds with his charged ability. He remains susceptible to damage.

In Snow Day, Kyle is a boss that has the ability to teleport and summon large thorny vines.

Human Kite

Kyle’s superhero persona that is not at all a derogatory slur towards Jewish people. He can use his kite to glide through the air and is more of a support unit, focusing on defending and healing allies.

Laser Burn: Kyle fires lasers from his eyes at his target. 

Jetstream: Kyle creates a small tornado to pull allies closer to him, healing them.

Kite Shield: Kyle throws a kite up into the air, landing on an ally and shielding them from harm. 

Wrath of Kite: Kyle’s ultimate ability. He flies up into orbit and strikes his foes with his laser vision, burning them. 

In Phone Destroyer, Human Kite is a ranged flying unit. His charged ability lets him shield allies that are standing beneath him for 3 seconds.

Misc. outfits

Gunslinger Kyle: A ranged, cowboy themed unit. His charged ability increases the damage of all allies on the field temporarily.

Bounty Hunter Kyle: Kyle’s sci-fi persona. A ranged flying unit. Every time he attacks an enemy, his allies gain a small boost to their attack stats. If he lands the final blow on an enemy, all allies are healed. 

The Master Ninjew: A ranged mystical themed unit. His warcry raises damage for all allies on the field.

Stan Marsh

Like Kyle, Stan also hates Eric, maybe a little less. Also like Kyle, he’s got a few outfits that grant him unique abilities. 

Ranger Stan Marshwalker

Stan’s fantasy persona. He uses a sword and can summon his dog, Sparky, to fight alongside him. 

Call Sparky: Stan summons his gay dog, Sparky, to fight alongside him. 

• In Phone Destroyer, Sparky goes by Full Moon Sparky. His ability allows him to boost the attack of all nearby allies. He can also be called to eat a treat that replenishes his health.

Marked For Death: Stan points a laser pointer at his enemy and has Sparky attack them, lowering their defense.

Discus of Might: Stan spins around and throws a disc that ricochets between enemies. 

Whirlwind Slash: Stan spins around and slashes nearby foes before jumping into the air and slamming his sword down onto an enemy.

Way of the Sword: Stan unleashes a flurry of slashes before dealing a final, heavy blow. The target is inflicted with the Bleeding status effect.

Additionally, Stan can enter the Riposte stance, where he will perfectly block and counter any melee attack.

In Phone Destroyer, Stan goes by Stan the Great. His special ability allows him to decrease the attack of all enemies for 5 seconds. 

In Snow Day, Stan is a boss fight. He’s equipped with an incredibly powerful axe that he can throw vast distances. It also inflicts dysentery as it’s literally smeared in feces. Additionally, he can fire down balls of energy that explode after a short time and release shockwaves to knock foes back.

Toolshed

Stan’s superhero persona. He uses power tools to attack and heal allies from a distance. He can also use a measuring tape as a grappling hook.

Revitotron 9000: Stan sprays water on allies in front of him, healing them. 

Screwdriver Chuck: Stan throws two screwdrivers to his left and right, knocking enemies back. 

Spiral Power: Stan drills into the ground and damages enemies along two diagonal lines by summoning drills from the ground.

Full Bore: Stan channels spiral power and creates a giant energy drill that bores into the enemy.

In Phone Destroyer, Toolshed is a melee unit that is able to disarm traps. If there are no traps to disarm, he instead places a Chomper, a trap that freezes enemies that make contact with it.

Misc. outfits

Stan of Many Moons: Stan’s adventure persona. His special ability allows him to unleash a blast of fire around him. 

Program Stan: Stan’s sci-fi persona. His charged ability lets him freeze all enemies for 2 seconds. 

Poseidon Stan: Stan’s mystical persona. His charged ability slows all enemies on the field for 8 seconds. 

Kenny McCormick

The last of the main boys, Kenny comes from a very poor family and is typically (but not always) picked on by Eric for his family’s financial status. His mom and dad had attended a Cthulhu ritual years ago, inadvertently making Kenny immortal by always making him come back to life. 

Princess Kenny

Kenny’s fantasy persona. For whatever reason, he decided to be a princess. In Stick of Truth, Princess Kenny has the ability to return to combat 2 turns after dying. He doesn't have any melee attacks, instead using his magic abilities and his bow to deal damage. 

Furry Friends: A swarm of rats approach Princess Kenny. He must shake them off before they kill him. If he’s successful, he’ll summon a small tidal wave of rats and send them towards his opponent. 

Unicorn Stampede: Kenny summons an actual unicorn to ram into the enemy. If he messes up, the Unicorn impales him and kills him instantly. 

Royal Kiss: Kenny kisses the opponent and catches them off guard, inflicting the Grossed Out status effect. 

Charm: Kenny flashes his chest at the enemy and lowers their defense. 

Princess Kenny is also a boss in Snow Day. In it, he’s able to fly and fire rainbows, release omnidirectional bursts of energy, and charm the New Kids into fighting for him temporarily. 

In Phone Destroyer, any unit that kills Princess Kenny will have their attack stat lowered to 0 for 10 seconds. 

Mysterion

Kenny’s superhero persona and undoubtedly the most badass of the group. He’s a melee fighter that deals heavy damage. While alive, Mysterion has access to the following moves:

Demonic Fury: Mysterion performs a devastating combo on a singular foe. 

Dread Rush: Mysterion rushes past enemies before turning around to punch the enemy behind him, knocking them back. 

Dark Whisper: Mysterion pulls an enemy closer to him and lowers their defense. 

Cruel Fate: Mysterion’s ultimate ability where he blows himself up with a bomb that also damages and ignites nearby enemies. 

Upon successfully killing himself, Mysterion becomes a ghost that is incapable of directly harming anyone. In exchange, he inflicts status effects on enemies to hinder them while his allies do the fighting for him.

When dead, Mysterion has access to the following moves: 

Phantom Chill: Mysterion inflicts the Chilled status effect on a single enemy.

Marked for Death: Mysterion lowers the defense of nearby enemies.

Spooked: Mysterion inflicts the Confused status effect on a single enemy.

Mysterion Re-rising: Mysterion’s second ultimate where he resurrects himself and obtains a physical form once again. He heals nearby allies as he resurrects. 

In Phone Destroyer, Mysterion is a melee unit with low health and high damage. To make up for his low health, Mysterion will constantly revive every time he is killed. His soul will travel back to the tablet that summoned him where he will then resurrect. The further he is from the tablet, the longer it will take for him to come back.

Misc. outfits

Inuit Kenny: Kenny’s adventure persona. A melee, assassin unit. Upon dying, he deals massive damage to the unit that killed him. 

Cyborg Kenny: Kenny’s sci-fi persona. A melee unit that, upon dying, controls the enemy unit that killed him temporarily. 

Hermes Kenny: Kenny’s mystical persona. A melee assassin unit. Upon dying, he doubles the rate at which energy is gained by the leader. 

Butters Stotch

The most naive and innocent of the boys, Butters is often manipulated into doing terrible things, usually by Eric. 

Paladin Butters

Butters’ fantasy persona. He is the first to befriend the New Kid in Stick of Truth. He is the only buddy in Stick of Truth to have a detrimental perk. 

Born Victim (Passive): Butters is so innocent that enemies can’t resist targeting him over anyone else.

Healing Touch: Butters heals the New Kid by strengthening their resolve. 

Hammer of Justice: Butters spins around and builds up momentum, throwing his hammer at an enemy and inflicting the Enraged status effect.

Hammer of Storms: Butters electrocutes all enemies in a column in front of him. 

Professor Chaos: Butters becomes Professor Chaos and spins a wheel between 5 different effects. 

• Life Drain: Butters drains the enemy of their health and then uses it to heal the New Kid and himself. 

• Chaos Cloak: Butters shields himself and the New Kid. The shield can take up to 9 hits before breaking. 

• Chaos Blast: Butters harnesses his inner saiyan and blasts enemies with a stream of lightning. 

• Hammer of Chaos: Butters materializes a giant hammer made of electricity to slam down onto his foes, inflicting the Stun status effect. 

• Chaos Storm: Butters zaps up to 5 random foes on the battlefield with lightning. 

In Fractured but Whole, Butters can also revive multiple people at once.

In Phone Destroyer, Paladin Butters has the ability to grant invincibility to the closest ally upon dying. 

Professor Chaos

Butters’ answer to a superhero persona. Professor Chaos is a minor antagonist in Fractured but Whole but eventually becomes an ally to the New Kid. 

Chaos Blast: Butters fires a stream of electricity from his hands akin to a Kamehameha.

Chaos Confuse-O-Tron: Butters summons two prongs to zap a nearby enemy, inflicting the Shocked and Confused status effects.

Chaos Minion: Butters summons a loyal Mexican worker to assist him on the field. They will stick around for 3 turns before leaving. 

Hammer of Chaos: Butters materializes a giant hammer and brings it down, inflicting the Shocked status effect.

In Phone Destroyer, Professor Chaos’ special ability lets him throw out a blast of energy that stuns enemies in front of him for a few seconds. He is also explicitly said to be immune to mind control. This is also further reinforced when Doctor Timothy was unable to take over his mind in Fractured but Whole.

Misc. outfits.

Deckhand Butters: Butters’ adventure persona. Upon dying, Butters will heal the closest ally. 

Astronaut Butters: Butters’ sci-fi persona. Upon dying, Butters will boost the speed of the nearest ally.

Choirboy Butters: Butters’ mystical persona. Upon dying, he grants a small burst of energy to the leader.

Jimmy Valmer

A boy with cerebral palsy. He aspires to be a comedian but has some slight difficulty with his stuttering. Although he’s not part of the main 4, he is still a decently prominent character within the show and the games. 

Jimmy The Bard

Jimmy’s fantasy persona where he is armed with a lute. Though most of his abilities in Stick of Truth may not directly damage foes, he leaves them susceptible to his allies’ attacks.

Power Chord: Jimmy plays his lute and restores energy to his allies.

Pied Piper’s Song: Jimmy plays his flute and summons rats to fight for him. 

Song of Buffness: Jimmy buffs his party’s damage while lowering the enemy’s own. 

Lullabye: Jimmy puts the enemy to sleep with a song. They are awoken when they are damaged or they can wake up naturally after a few turns. 

The Brown Note: Jimmy plays the brown note, causing enemies that hear it to shit their pants, damaging them and lowering their defense. 

In Phone Destroyer, Le Bard Jimmy is a melee unit who’s special ability allows him to permanently lower the maximum HP of all enemies on the field. A few units can mitigate this effect by healing.

Fastpass

Jimmy’s superhero speedster persona. He might get a little mad if the New Kid also chooses to be a speedster. His moves allows him to heal allies, turn invisible, and damage foes from a distance. 

Blind Side: Jimmy blitzes an enemy and becomes invisible.

Hit and Run: Jimmy runs and attacks a distant foe, leaving behind an afterimage. 

Transporter: Jimmy picks up and carries an ally, swapping places with them and healing them. 

Burning Lap: Jimmy’s ultimate ability. He runs several laps around the world, blitzing and inflicting Burning to enemies that stand in front of him. 

In Phone Destroyer, Fastpass is a melee unit with the ability to blitz a specific target, damaging anyone else who stands in his way. 

Misc. outfits

Storyteller Jimmy: Jimmy’s adventure persona. His passive ability allows him to decrease the attack stat of any enemy who is in close proximity to him.

Enforcer Jimmy: Jimmy’s sci-fi persona. He also comes with an passive aura that prevents enemies from charging up their special abilities. It does not stop them from actually activating them, however. 

Friar Jimmy: Jimmy’s mystical persona. He is surrounded by a healing aura that slowly but constantly heals allies and himself. 

Craig Tucker

The most cynical and sarcastic of the boys. Typically apathetic in most situations. Despite this, he’s still willing to go and play with the other boys and is in a relationship with Tweek.

Feldspar the Thief

Craig’s fantasy persona. This role, while not playable, is a boss fight in Stick of Truth and Fractured but Whole. He sides with Clyde towards the end of the story and then fights the future version of himself and the New Kid. 

Clone Army/Bunshin No Jutso: Craig creates clones of himself to assist him in battle. In Stick of Truth, these were just random kids dressed as him but in Fractured but Whole, they seem to be actual clones of him. 

Fake Out: Craig shanks the enemy with his dagger.

Death from Above: Craig flanks the enemy after charging up for a few turns, dealing massive damage.

In Phone Destroyer, he’s called Dark Mage Craig. His special ability lets him throw a turd at an enemy leader and halve their damage for 7 seconds.

Super Craig

Craig’s superhero persona. Very lazy name and design but it’s a miracle he even showed up at all. No fancy powers like the others, just hits really hard. 

Mega Fist Punch: Craig punches the enemy really hard and knocks them back. 

Mega Shining Finger: Craig flips off the enemy, inflicting the Enraged status effect while giving himself shields.

Omega Crash Extra: Craig charges into the enemy and knocks them back, inflicting the Slowed status effect.

Eros Eruption: Craig’s ultimate ability. He and Tweek hold hands and this (somehow) translates into all enemies on the field being damaged and inflicted with the Confused status effect.

In Phone Destroyer, Super Craig’s passive ability allows him to knock back all enemies in front of him with each melee hit.

Misc. outfits

Incan Craig: Craig’s adventure persona. He shoots a laser at the enemy leader that also damages any enemy standing in the way.

Marine Craig: Craig’s sci-fi persona. He’s armed with a water gun filled with a mixture of sewage and pee. His special ability has him fire this mixture at the enemy leader, poisoning them and anyone nearby. Gross. 

Youth Pastor Craig: Craig’s mystical persona. His special ability has him throw his microphone at the leader, preventing them from casting spells for 30 seconds.

Tweek Tweak

An overly anxious, nervous wreck of a boy. He works at his parents coffee shop and consumes maybe a little too much coffee. He is Craig’s boyfriend.

Tweek’s role in Stick of Truth is insignificant. He’s not a boss, he’s not a playable ally, and is mostly just a background character who assists in various battles. 

Instead, his fantasy persona is Robin Tweek. He’s a ranged unit who’s charged ability allows him to randomly heal a single ally. 

Wonder Tweek

Tweek’s superhero persona. His abilities revolve around manipulating the weather, where he can inflict status effects or heal allies. 

Icicle Strike: Tweek creates sharp icicles and brings them down on an opponent, inflicting the Chilled status effect.

Supreme Lightning: Tweek calls down lightning in front of him, inflicting the Shocked status effect.

Soothing Showers: Tweek uses rain to heal an ally. 

Eros Eruption: An ultimate shared by him and Craig. They use the power of yaoi to damage and inflict Confused on all enemies on the field. 

In Phone Destroyer, Wonder Tweek creates a tornado that can pull and damage enemies. 

Misc. outfits.

Outlaw Tweek: Tweek’s adventure persona. His special ability allows him to throw a stick of dynamite at the enemy leader.

Warboy Tweek: Tweek’s sci-fi persona. Upon being summoned, he speeds up all allies for a few seconds. 

Imp Tweek: Tweek’s mystical persona. Upon being summoned, he creates a fiery tornado to pull the furthest enemy closer while stunning and damaging them. 

Tolkien Black

One of the few black children in South Park, Tolkien is usually laid back. 

He does appear in Stick of Truth but doesn’t do much. Instead, his fantasy persona is Rogue Tolkien. His special ability allows him to damage nearby enemies upon being summoned. 

Tupperware

Tolkien’s superhero persona. He’s a gadgeteer who can summon turrets, teleport and heal allies, and repel enemies who get too close. 

Hot Swap: Tolkien teleports and swaps places with an ally, healing them in the process. 

Tupper Turret: Tolkien summons a turret that rapid fires darts at an enemy. It disappears after a few turns.

Tupper Tornado: Tolkien spins around and creates a tornado that repels nearby enemies. 

Tupper Mech Mark III: Tolkien calls in an upgraded mech suit for himself. He hovers above the battle field and fires rockets down onto foes, inflicting the Shocked and Slow status effects.

In Phone Destroyer, Tupperware is a melee unit. His passive ability grants him immunity to abilities, spells, and status effects.

Misc. outfits.

Shaman Tolkien: Tolkien’s adventure persona. His charged ability lets him cleanse allies of any negative effects, including mind control. 

Space Warrior Tolkien: Tolkien’s sci-fi persona. His charged ability lets him rush down a singular enemy and strike with a powerful, boosted attack. 

Witch Doctor Tolkien: Tolkien’s mystical persona. His charged ability lets him siphon health out of enemies, using it to heal himself. 

Clyde Donovan

Clyde is a nasally kid. He, along with Craig, Tolkien, and Jimmy, formed their own gang of kids to mirror the main 4. His mom died when she fell into the toilet and had her internals sucked out of her body. 

In Stick of Truth, he is one of the main villains after getting banished by Eric at the start of the game. He gathers an army and uses the alien goo to turn people and animals into nazi zombies, even resurrecting Chef. 

He does get a few moves of his own during Fractured but Whole though.

Shield Stance: Clyde shields himself and his allies, absorbing damage until it breaks.

Greatsword Strike: Clyde hits the enemy with his sword.

In Phone Destroyer, his fantasy persona is Dwarf King Clyde, who has the special ability to damage a nearby enemy upon being summoned. 

Mosquito

Clyde’s superhero persona. Themed after a mosquito (obviously), he can fly, drain enemies of their blood to heal himself, or gross them out. 

Bug Bite Barrage: Clyde repeatedly blitzes the same enemy, draining them of their health while healing himself.

Zika Rush: Clyde rushes past the enemy, dealing damage while healing himself. 

Skeeter Swarm: Clyde damages and inflicts Grossed Out on all nearby enemies. He also buffs his attack doing this. 

Pandemic Pestilence: Clyde’s ultimate ability. He summons a swarm of mosquitoes to inflict Grossed Out on everyone on the battlefield.

In Phone Destroyer, Mosquito is a melee unit. His special ability has him summon a swarm of mosquitos that heal him as they do damage.

Misc. outfits. 

Hookhand Clyde: Clyde’s adventure persona. Upon spawning in, he flings a parrot at a nearby enemy, dealing massive damage. 

Alien Clyde: Clyde’s sci-fi persona. Upon spawning in, he throws a lobster at a nearby enemy, poisoning them and anybody near them. 

Hercules Clyde: Clyde’s mystical persona. Upon spawning in, he rushes and charges at an enemy, stopping them from gaining charge if he connects. 

Timmy Burch

A boy that suffers from cerebral palsy and Tourette’s syndrome. Because of this, he is limited to his wheelchair and can only say one word: his first name. This doesn’t mean he’s stupid, however. In Fractured but Whole, he was the leader of the Freedom Pussies Pals and was once acutely aware of Jimmy’s steroid use. 

Like some of the others, he also doesn’t really have a significant role in Stick of Truth. Not a playable ally or a boss fight. He’s just a method of fast travel around town. 

In Phone Destroyer, however, his fantasy persona is instead Catapult Timmy, where he is a ranged unit that launches rats at enemies as soon as he spawns in. 

Doctor Timothy

Timmy’s superhero persona. Using psychic abilities, he’s able to clearly communicate via telepathy, control minds, teleport, or shield himself. 

Mind R***: Timmy mind controls someone. He can do it to multiple foes at once or focus on a single target. Mind controlled allies can be freed from his telepathic hold if they are beaten into submission.

Brain Bomb: Timmy inflicts the Confused status effect on a group of enemies in front of him. 

Psychic Scream: Timmy uses his psychic abilities to inflict damage on an enemy and knock them back.

When Kindergarteners Attack: Timmy teleports and mind controls nearby kindergarteners to attack for him. 

In Phone Destroyer, Doctor Timothy’s charged attack lets him telekinetically lift the furthest unit in range and slam them back down after a few seconds.

Misc. outfits

Pirate Ship Timmy: Timmy’s adventure persona. A ranged unit, his charged ability lets him shoot a cannonball at the nearest enemy. 

Mecha Timmy: Timmy’s sci-fi persona. A ranged unit with the ability to control the nearest enemy for a few seconds. 

Pope Timmy: Timmy’s mystical persona and yet another ranged unit. Timmy’s ability allows him to summon the cheapest card in the leader’s deck so long as it costs 3 energy or more. 

Wendy Testaburger

Perhaps the most prominent schoolgirl in South Park, she doesn’t take shit from anyone. She was, and sometimes still is, Stan’s love interest. She absolutely loathes Cartman. 

Like Timmy and Tweek, Wendy also has a very minor role in Stick of Truth. Her fantasy persona in Phone Destroyer, however, is Shieldmaiden Wendy. A melee unit, her charged ability allows her to become fully invincible for a few seconds. Annoying fucking unit tbh.

Call Girl

Wendy’s superhero persona with yet another unfortunate name. In Fractured but Whole, she wasn’t allied with either the Coon and Friends or the Freedom Pals. 

Selfie-Stick Strike: Wendy whacks a foe with a selfie stick and inflicts the Slow status effect.

Phone Destroyer: Wendy trolls the enemy, making their phone explode in their face. This works on enemies who realistically shouldn’t have phones. Lowers their defense.

Blocked: Wendy gains shields and inflicts Enraged on an enemy, gaining shields as she does so.

Flash Mob: Wendy’s ultimate where she summons a horde of people to trample the enemies, lowering their defense. 

In Phone Destroyer (the game), Call Girl’s ability allows her to instantly summon another superhero ally so long as they cost 4 or more energy. 

Misc. outfits.

Captain Wendy: Wendy’s adventure persona. Her charged ability lets her shoot up to 3 nearby enemies at once. 

Ice Sniper Wendy: Wendy’s sci-fi persona. Her charged ability lets her freeze enemies for a few seconds. 

Angel Wendy: Wendy’s mystical persona. Her charged ability lets her heal the 3 closest allies. 

Randy Marsh

Randy is part of Cartman’s deck for whatever reason. He’s Stan’s eccentric father and, although he’s a moron at times, he does mean well. 

Like some of the other units on here, he doesn’t really have a fantasy persona or notable role in Stick of Truth. His fantasy persona is The Amazingly Randy! Strange choice for a fantasy persona.

As The Amazingly Randy, his special ability lets him summon two magic cocks (roosters) from nothing. 

Misc. outfits. 

Pocahontas Randy: Randy’s adventure persona. His charged ability summons a random, no-name Native American child to fight with him.

Sixth Element Randy: Randy’s sci-fi persona where his charged ability makes him puke and summon a roomba to fight with him. 

Mary Jane Randy: Randy’s superhero persona. His charged ability lets him place a potted plant on the field that draws enemies to its location. 

Sexy Nun Randy: Randy’s mystical persona. His charged ability lets him summon a choirboy to fight with him. 

Also important to note that Randy becomes a dangerous foe should he get drunk on red wine.

He also has a 6th card where he’s from the future but Eric doesn’t have access to this card and he’s not likely to suddenly age several decades.

Ike Broflovski

Kyle’s younger, adopted Canadian brother. Doesn’t really play much of a role in either game. He’s good for punting and is the pirate king, at least. Luckily, he’s got a few cards in Phone Destroyer. 

Outfits

Canadian Knight Ike: Ike’s fantasy persona. His charged ability lets him heal and raise his max health. 

Smuggler Ike: Ike’s adventure persona. His charged ability lets him permanently raise his attack stat. He can do this for as long as he remains on the field and continuously stack buffs.

Gizmo Ike: Ike’s sci-fi persona. His charged ability allows him to duplicate himself. Each subsequent clone is then able to duplicate itself further, creating a new clone who also has the ability to duplicate.

Scout Ike: Ike’s mystical persona. His passive ability lets him generate energy whenever he strikes an enemy: 

Dougie O’Connell

Dougie’s a pretty minor character. He’s a ginger second grader who typically hangs with Butters and is more known for his villainous persona, General Disarray. In Fractured but Whole, he actually is a boss fight, pouring “lava” on the battlefield and commanding minions to attack the main boys. 

In Phone Destroyer, he is General Disarray and his ability has him pour lava on the furthest ground unit in range before running to them.

Outfits

Dwarf Engineer Dougie: Dougie’s fantasy persona. For every attack he lands, his attack stat increases. 

Barrel Dougie: Dougie’s adventure person. He deals extra damage to the leader on the first attack. 

Powerfist Dougie: Dougie’s sci-fi persona. His first strike freezes the leader and nearby enemies. 

Prophet Dougie: Dougie’s mystical persona. His passive ability allows him to temporarily disrupt the leader from generating energy if he’s able to land a hit. 

Stick of Truth/Fractured but Whole Summons

By using small offerings, Cartman can call upon the assistance of various characters. He can carry 10 of each item. Normally these summons are not available when fighting a boss, but that’s likely just a game limitation (even if the characters acknowledge this.)

Mr. Hankey

Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo, everyone’s favorite character haha. When offering a Piece of Poo, he will arrive and create geysers of liquid shit, shit tornadoes, and even a tidal wave of shit to sweep the enemy away.

In Snow Day, he is the central antagonist. He was the one who created the snowstorm that envelops South Park. He can also imbue people with power by lending them dark matter (shit), the same dark matter that allows him to control people should it be consumed. 

Once he’s absorbed enough dark matter, he turns into Scheisse-Hulud, a colossal shit worm that can summon swarms of turds to overwhelm the enemy, rain down giant chunks of shit or fire devastating beams of radiation from his mouth. 

In Phone Destroyer, Mr. Hankey is a melee unit that doubles the rate at which allies charge their abilities for 20 seconds. 

Mr. Slave

One of South Park’s openly gay residents, he’s a man with a knack for… exploring. Being on the receiving end of exploration, I mean. 

In Stick of Truth, he can be summoned by using a Rawhide Whip, where he will run and jump aaand shove the enemy up his ass. The whole enemy. Gone. Removed from battle. This usually also scares other enemies away shitless and for good reason. 

His asshole is so expansive that it can fit a nuke and once shoved Paris Hilton up his ass entirely. 

In Phone Destroyer, Mr. Slave Executioner is a melee unit that whacks enemies with a dildo. He heals every time he drops below half health and, upon dying, two roosters (cocks) burst out of his ass to attack the enemy.

Jesus Christ

Upon offering a Rosary, the Son of God himself descends from the heavens to open fire on his enemies.

In Phone Destroyer, Jesus will heal nearby allies upon being summoned. When killed, he will revive himself. He can only revive once.

Tuong Lu Kim

Dr. William Janus’ alternate personality and owner of City Wok and City Airlines. He can be summoned by using the Miniature Gong. Upon use, Tuong Lu Kim will slice at the enemy with his katana.

In Phone Destroyer, he goes by City Wok Guy and his special ability allows him to instantly kill all allied animal units, causing them to explode and damage any nearby enemies.

Moses

One of the more prominent super friends, Moses fires down beams of light on all allies, healing them and cleansing them of any negative status effects. 

He can be summoned by offering a Macaroni Painting.

Classi

Classi (with an I, and a little dick hanging off the C that bends around and fucks the L out of the A S S) runs the enemy over with her car. She can be summoned by using Classi’s Burner Phone

In Phone Destroyer, Classi will triple her attack stat if she falls below 66% of her health. 

Jimbo and Ned

Stan’s uncle, Jimbo, and his long time friend and hunting buddy, Ned. They falsely accuse the enemy of advancing on their location before opening fire. Ned then throws a grenade to finish the job. They can be summoned by using the Ham Radio.

Both Jimbo and Ned are their own independent Phone Destroyer units. 

For Jimbo, he’s Hunter Jimbo. His passive ability lets him blast any enemy in front of him. Any attack he lands buffs the damage of all allies. 

For Ned, he’s War Hero Ned. His passive ability allows him to heal the closest allied tank whenever he deals damage.

Gerald Broflovski

Kyle’s dad. He trips balls on cat urine and runs across the battlefield and this (somehow) translates into bombs falling and damaging enemies. He can be summoned by offering up a Cheesing Vial.

He is not present in Phone Destroyer. 

Feats

Master Shake

Overall

• Survived Plantgasm.

• Stopped the Insanoflex’s rampage.

• Was considered to be the meanest person on the planet even after he was frozen for 9 years.

• Has endured horrific torture throughout the series.

• Managed to sneak into the White House and start World War 3.

• Has traveled through time, been to hell, been to the moon, and has visited different planets. 

• Pretty good at golf.

Power

• Busts through a counter at the mall just to avoid taking the meat bridge.

• Can destroy cybernetic turkeys, robot scorpions, walking trees, and giant wrenches.

• Beats Carl and Oglethorpe unconscious with a golf club.

• Has knocked himself out with a single punch. 

• At some point shoved a full grown gorilla into a microwave. 

Speed

• Jumps out of a hotel building and then reaches the room he was just in in a few seconds

• Moves in tandem with and dodges missiles.

• Climbs up an alien tower that leads to an alien planet in a short time frame. (Mach 60.8 - Mach 729.76 - 0.12c)

Durability

• Has survived the house blowing up. (2122.70 Kilojoules)

• Survived another explosion. 

• Was completely unharmed when he was hit by a golf cart so hard he reached the Moon in a few seconds. (415 - 720 Megatons).

• Survived a small eye blast that was meant for an enemy but was instead reflected. 

• In-game, he can survive being hit by the Mooninites’ bullets.

• Survived an explosion that was visible from space. (10.11 Teratons)

Eric Cartman

Overall

• Sent another kid to juvie and disabled a woman for life when he was in kindergarten. 

• Tamed Cthulhu and made him do his bidding.

• Convinced the ginger kids of South Park to overthrow the rest of the town.

• Came up with an intricate plan to get Scott Tenorman to eat his parents in front of everyone.  

• Defeated Manbearpig with the help of Stan, Kyle, and Kenny. 

• Helped stop a Nazi Zombie outbreak. 

• Was successful in at least one future timeline.

Power

• Busts through a wall using his gut.

• Beat Frodo to death. 

• Beat the shit out of Clyde and Bradley.

• Can destroy robot gingers by jumping on them. 

• Can bring down alien ships with just dodgeballs.

Speed

• Avoids getting hit by bullets.

• Stays ahead of Kyle while they were both on bicycles.

• Catches up to Randy’s car while on a bicycle.

Durability

• Took a hit from a bull that broke through a wooden fence. (650.3 Kilojoules)

• Survived a beating from PC Principal.

• Cartman survives Tynacorp blowing up. (46.404 Tons)

• Cartman and the other kids survived a plane crash. (167 kilojoules)

• Cartman and the other kids survived a boat exploding while they were on it. (49.26 Tons)

• Survived the aftermath of the New Kid farting on Kenny’s balls. (598.475 Kilotons)

• Survived an explosion visible from space. (10.153 Megatons - 4.083 Gigatons)

Scaling

Master Shake

Frylock and Meatwad

• Frylock destroys a large portion of a giant metal slab. (0.41 Tons)

• Frylock vaporizes a human. (0.056 - 0.060 Tons)

• Frylock is able to frighten and harm the Mooninites with his lasers.

• Frylock’s lasers are powered by a gem that supposedly has the power of a thousand suns. (90.8 Exatons - 1,198 Foe) (See Before the Verdict)

• Meatwad pulls a lever before an orbital strike can destroy the house. (0.653c)

• Meatwad pilots a ship from Earth to a planet near Venus. (0.03c - 0.24c)

The Mooninites

• The Mooninites survive the destruction of the Moon without any injury.

• Their bullets, should they land, are capable of completely destroying someone.

• The Mooninites casually fly their ship fast enough that stars are moving in the background. (65.196c)

• Scared Boston PD. 

Misc. Characters

• The Plutonians fly their ship from “beyond Pluto” to Earth. (39.121c - 68.683c)

• The Plutonians react to the Mooninites flipping them off as they zoom by. (17,191.193c)

• Zucotti Manicotti senses a disturbance almost immediately from a vast distance after Meatwad kills one of his hand puppets. 

• Carl survives an underwater explosion. (0.082 - 0.104 tons)

• A sausage mascot is able to fragment a building with a single strike. (1.5 - 5.9 tons)

• The Frat Aliens mention they’ve been dropped 37 parsecs (or about 120.678 light years) away from campus. (6,296.62c - 44,076.30c)

Eric Cartman

The Other Kids

• Craig can part clouds.

• Kyle flies into orbit and then comes back down in a small time frame. (0.42c)

• Jimmy runs laps around the world in a small time frame. (0.13c - 6.1 megatons)

• Kenny’s soul flies from Heaven to Earth. (0.08c - 0.63c)

• Bradley drags Cthulhu all the way to the Gulf of Mexico to seal him. (972 tons)

• Bradley flew from his home planet to Earth in under a day. (6,136c)

The New Kid

• Runs across Canada in seconds. (Mach 3.6 - Mach 1445.6)

• Can parry phaser shots and soundwaves. 

• Their ultimate as the Planmancer class creates a massive plant. (1.55 - 4.35 Kilotons)

• Their ultimate as the Blaster class creates a massive fireball. (0.23 Tons)

• Could survive being hit by meteors. (2.15 - 88.176 Kilotons)

Misc. Characters

• A random drug dealer survives a big explosion. (8.3 tons)

• Mr. Hankey creates and maintains a snow storm that envelops all of South Park. (3.6 Gigatons)

• Did it again. (4.2 Megatons)

• Mr. Slave can be summoned while inside his asshole. (Infinite)

• Satan opens a portal to Hell. (4.14 kilotons)

• Jesus flies from Heaven to Earth. (1.244 - 14.248 megatons)

• Santa delivers gifts. (0.04c)

Weaknesses

Master Shake

To put it bluntly, Master Shake is a complete moron. He doesn’t know how to read, can’t drive a car sometimes, and, embarrassingly, has been outsmarted by Meatwad. Multiple times. He’s also not a particularly skilled fighter either, preferring to wildly swing his weapons rather than engage in actual, skillful combat. 

There’s also his easily manipulated ego. He’s gone as far to swallow swords and refused to use jet skis purely because Meatwad suggested it, ultimately resulting in him being used as a living pinball.

His resurrection is also not very reliable given it’s not usually quick enough to continue the fight. In one future, where Master Shake is obliterated in a hail of gunfire, he does not come back even after decades have passed. Ol’ Drippy helps to circumvent this, but he only provides 4 quick revives, after which there is no guarantee that Master Shake will resurrect in time to continue the fight.

Eric Cartman

Cartman is a very petty and manipulative dumbass with far too large an ego. While he may have a pretty good track record when it comes to fighting in the games, it’s a different story in the show. He started wailing when Kyle slapped him and once got knocked out in a single punch. He was so terrified of fighting Wendy that he ate his own underwear just to avoid confrontation and then ended up eating shit (figuratively) against her anyways. 

Many of his attacks within the games also require precise timing to get the maximum possible amount of damage. He also needs perfectly timed attacks to replenish PP, otherwise he’d have to rely on potions which, while numerous, can run out. His ultimate in Fractured but Whole also requires the battle to go on for long enough that he can charge it up to 100%.

Another factor is his age and mentality. Although he weirdly enough has decades of experience under his belt, he still has the mentality of a child and is quite gullible at times. His schemes, while sometimes pretty clever, tend to backfire on him in some form, such as when he was hospitalized after trying to blackmail PC Principal.

Before the Verdict

Is Shake really resurrecting every time he dies?

A fair question to ask but just going by ATHF’s continuity (or lack thereof?), Shake has displayed resurrection without the use of Ol’ Drippy, though it’s always off screen. There are several episodes wherein Shake is either grievously injured or killed at the end of the episode but most of these episodes are later acknowledged or referenced in some way, indicating they did happen.

For example, the episode “Broodwich” ends with Master Shake being lobotomized and then killed with an axe (or at least, it’s strongly implied). Master Shake and the Broodwich would later appear in Aquadonk Side Pieces, where the Broodwich is now a Broodwrap. It would also go on to appear in Zombie Ninja Pro-Am.

Another, earlier example is in “Dumber Dolls” when Shake falls off a cliff, loses his eyes, and then struck by lightning, presumably dying on the spot. Shake would again appear in the Aquadonk skit focusing on this episode, perfectly healthy once again. 

Maybe the most blatant example is during “Party All The Time” where Shake eats a scorpion and dies. He reappears later in the episode like nothing happened. Meatwad even acknowledges the fact he died. 

There’s also nothing to suggest Frylock or anyone else is cloning him or resurrecting him. Frylock barely tolerates Shake as is and has put him in scenarios where Shake’s life was at risk, such as when he left Shake outside to fend for himself during a vampire outbreak or when he unleashed recovering drug addicts on him. Frylock would not clone or resurrect Shake’s annoying ass.

Clamidian Jewels

Clamidian jewels are very powerful artifacts within the world of ATHF. They are what grant life to the Aqua Teens and, according to Master Shake, are said to contain “the power of a thousand suns”. 

There are a few problems with this. For starters, the only people claiming this are Master Shake, a well known liar, and some random guy who has never interacted with the Aqua Teens before. Just going off of statements is already very finicky. 

Another big issue is we never really see the jewels power anything on this scale. At most, Frylock just blasts people or destroys small objects. The most destruction we’ve seen with the jewels was when Meatwad released a powerful burst of lightning to annihilate clams. This raises another question, however…

Should Master Shake even get lightning vision?

The simple answer is yes, but it is a fair question. For starters, we never see Master Shake actually use his lightning vision without assistance. The first time he does in “Laser Lenses”, it’s made fairly obvious that none of the Aqua Teens, not even Frylock, can fire lasers without laser lenses. This would eventually be retconned in the penultimate episode of the series, where it is revealed that all of the Aqua Teens had jewels of their own. 

Unfortunately, in that same episode, it’s revealed that Shake’s jewel was already dying, just as he was about to use his newfound abilities on Meatwad and Frylock but fails to do so. So if he can’t use his lasers without special equipment, why is he being given laser vision for this blog? 

Going by the rules of Death Battle, Master Shake would be taken at the absolute peak of his power so long as it's not a temporary power up. Given that Shake would later end up in a movie and a new season after this, it’s safe to assume that his jewel is functional. As to why Shake hasn’t used them since, we can always chalk it up to character induced stupidity because, let’s be real here, Shake is very stupid. 

Also worth noting that, as previously mentioned, he was going to fry Meatwad and Frylock but only failed because he couldn’t muster up the power needed to do so. Meatwad, who also once had a gem and later used it to defend himself, was able to fire a massive blast of energy despite having little to no experience. Shake was also pretty competent in “Laser Lenses”, so it stands to reason that he’d be knowledgeable on how to use his powers. 

ATHF’s plot shenanigans?

This argument comes from two different episodes. 

The first comes from the season 6 finale. After the explosion, the episode cuts to a live action segment where we see real life stands in for the main characters. In it, we see Master Shake as Don Shake, the writer who supposedly has been behind every single episode and storyline of Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

The second argument stems from the season finale for season 7, where Shake, Frylock, and Meatwad escape from their current show as it falls apart and flee into a new one.

Regarding the first argument, it’s difficult to say that Master Shake would be able to somehow affect the plot of whatever story or fight he’s in. For starters, Master Shake is not Don Shake. He is his creation, not his avatar and likewise, Don is not Master Shake’s true form or anything like that. Secondly, if we assume Don really is behind every single episode of ATHF, it’s hard to believe he’d interfere and suddenly make Master Shake win. If you’ve watched enough of ATHF, you’d quickly realize Master Shake gets his ass kicked a lot. While Don Shake might always be the one to restore Shake at the end of every episode, the actual time frame of this can vary wildly. Sometimes days, sometimes weeks, sometimes even decades. By the rules of DB, if Shake isn’t back in the fight within a few minutes, he loses, though it is possible he could circumvent this with the use of the Time Warner west, but more on that later.

Regarding the second argument, this admittedly does have more convincing arguments. In it, the Aqua Teens flee from their show and into a new one after the number 100 begins to attack them, wanting to claim their 100th episode. During this, we see reality itself come apart and Master Shake urges the other Aqua Teens to follow him. It then cuts into an intro for a completely unrelated show after the screen goes white. Later on, one of the side characters mentions 100 had planned on scaring the Aqua Teens back into their old world to collect their 100th episode. 

You could reasonably argue that this is some form of plot manipulation resistance, but anything else kinda falls flat. 

It’s not a speed feat given it’s too vague to justify anything. The Aqua Teens walk off screen before the screen goes white and then it cuts to the new show. It’s also not really any kind of creation or plot manipulation feat as it’s implied Shake really had no control over the new show. If he did have control, he wouldn’t be settling for a Scooby-Doo knock off. At best, it’s really only some level of plot manipulation resistance and likely universal travel.

Infinite Speed South Park

Ngl might be the grossest way any character can obtain infinite speed. It comes from Mr. Slave during the events of Stick of Truth. One of the final missions of the game has you shrink down and climb up his asshole to defuse a nuclear bomb. 

On your way there, you encounter various foes that you must defeat. During these battles, you are able to summon Mr. Slave, effectively having him in two different places at once. A pretty blatant infinite speed feat.

Mr. Slave does not have some hidden duplication ability or teleportation, he just IS inside his own asshole here. There’s really not much to go against this feat. It’s even an achievement so it is technically supported in-game.

Do the kids actually have powers?

This is something that regularly gets brought up and the answer will always be yes. Throughout Stick of Truth, Fractured but Whole, Snow Day, and even Phone Destroyer, the kids continue to use abilities against foes that realistically shouldn’t be affected by them. Seriously, think about it. Why would aliens, military troops, police officers, N*zi zombies, or demonic, bloodthirsty Christmas critters play along with the kids and allow themselves to lose? 

All of these examples help prove that the kids do actually have powers, even if they aren’t really a common occurrence in the show. Even then, similarly crazy shit happens. Kyle becomes one with reality, Kenny commands Heaven’s army against Hell, Cartman leads a legion of future Atheists, Craig shoots fucking lasers out of his eyes to fulfill a prophecy and put a stop to giant evil guinea pigs. There are countless more examples but the point is: crazy shit happens in South Park, the games giving the kids wild abilities isn’t anything that would make them invalid to use. 

Bonus Fanart

(Barbatos)

(Tyrannii)

Verdict

Stats

Strength

You wouldn’t expect these two to be as tough as they are with how often they’re portrayed as wimpy or pathetic but alas.

On Shake’s end, the Aqua Teens were able to survive an impact with the force of 720 Megatons. More impressively is when he, Frylock, and Carl withstood a blast that enveloped a good chunk of the US and was stated by Frylock to destroy the eastern seaboard. Master Shake and Frylock withstood about 10.11 Teratons. 

The Mooninites, whom Shake can directly scale to, were able to survive the destruction of the Moon and given how they were casually enjoying themselves, it seems safe to say that they could potentially scale even higher.

On Cartman’s end, he has a wide variety of impressive showings to scale to. Working our way up, Cartman was able to withstand a blast worth 598 Kilotons when the New Kid farted on Kenny’s balls. An impressive start and other feats can back up a similar level of power, if not higher. 

Fastpass, the resident speedster of South Park, can build up so much kinetic energy that he strikes with a force of 6.1 Megatons. Another character, Mr. Hankey, was able to create and maintain a storm that enveloped the entire Park county, requiring about 3.6 Gigatons. Perhaps the most impressive and blatant feat is the time Cartman and the other boys in his class survived an explosion that was visible from orbit, resulting in about 4.083 Gigatons. 

With such a giant gap in power between the two, it’s fairly obvious that Master Shake takes this category.

Speed 

This category is a bit trickier. 

For Master Shake, he scales to some absolutely insane speed feats. On the lower end of things, he scales to Meatwad who could pull a lever before an orbital strike hit him, resulting in about 0.653c. Even faster is scaling to the Mooninites who could pretty casually steer their ship at 65c. 

Jumping up to MFTL, Oglethorpe was able to perceive and react to the Mooninites flipping him off while they were traveling at warp speed, which ended up at about 17,191.193c. This level of speed is also not something completely out of left field either, as Oglethorpe stated he wanted to “tear ass across the galaxy.” 

But the fastest showing of speed comes from the Frat Aliens who, according to them, were dropped off 37 parsecs away from campus for Hell Week and had to find their way back for initiation into fraternity. Even assuming a ridiculous time frame of 7 days, the result is still 6,296c as a low end and a whopping 44,076c if we use a time frame of just one day. 

As for Cartman, his feats are a little more grounded in comparison but still impressive in their own right. Scaling to the other kids, he’d be comfortably in the relativistic tier of speed. Kenny’s soul was able to fly down to Earth from Heaven at about 0.63c and Kyle as the Human Kite could reach speeds of 0.42c, both of whom Cartman should scale to. 

By far the fastest finite speed feat in the series thus far comes from Bradley Biggle. As Mintberry Crunch, he was able to fly from the berry mines of his home planet to Earth in under a day, achieving speeds of 6,136c.

But the absolute fastest feat in the series is Mr. Slave being up his own asshole in the most literal sense possible. No secret gimmicks or tricks, no hidden duplication powers, Mr. Slave just has infinite speed and given that he’s a unit in Phone Destroyer who can be killed by anyone, it’s safe to say Cartman scales and the rest of his units scale.

Master Shake undoubtedly takes finite speed, but unfortunately has no infinite speed feats of his own to contend with Cartman’s. Cartman takes speed.

Arsenal, Abilities, and Support

This was a fascinating clash in abilities and arsenals, way more nuanced than you’d expect from such raunchy cartoons. 

Starting with Shake’s resurrection, it was certainly a powerful ability and one that greatly affected the outcome of the fight. It’s allowed him to come back from some severe punishment. Sliced into cubes, lobotomization, being blown up with rockets, crushed, and most impressively, coming back after being turned into a rabbit. 

Though it wasn’t always a quick process to come back, Shake had methods of returning to the battle quickly. With Ol’ Drippy, he could die up to 4 times and come back instantly with full health. Another method, a less obvious one mind you, is the use of the Time Warner vest. With it, he could time travel back to the moment he died to continue the fight. It’s not something he’s done in combat, but he has visited himself in the past, so it’s not exactly off the table. 

Another aspect of Shake’s resurrection is how it seemingly always returns him back to where he was originally before he died. He’s ended up on alien planets, in Hell, and in the Broodwich dimension, and yet every time, he appears back at home by the time the next episode starts. Even without this, Shake’s Time Warner vest also allows for spatial teleportation and given how he was able to flee from his original universe before it collapsed, it’s reasonable to assume standard BFR will not work on Shake, not for long anyways. 

So what can Eric do to stop Shake from coming back? Well, the most obvious solution is to simply target the Time Warner vest. With the sheer number of ranged weapons and abilities and the Time Manipulation Device at Cartman’s disposal, this wouldn’t be a big issue. 

Regarding Ol’ Drippy, it’s safe to assume that the Warpo Ray with its transmutation configurement would be able to bypass his quick revives entirely. It also only provides up to 4 lives, meaning that Shake would eventually lose the battle of attrition.

Regarding their supports, both had some powerful players at their disposal. Meatwad alone could potentially handle Cartman and all of his units by himself. His ability to no-sell physical damage and shapeshift was a huge advantage for him. Furthermore, his T-shirt of the Dead would allow him to summon giant egg monsters to even the playing field, create items from thin air, transmute Cartman and any of his supports, potentially BFR them, or warp the surrounding terrain to his advantage. 

His telepathy would also grant him information on various units or even outright influence them. Very few units have shown resistance to such abilities, namely Butters and Tolkien. The biggest upside to his telepathy, however, would be his ability to potentially shut down Mitch Conner’s cheating abilities the same way Doctor Timothy did. 

Cartman’s own units had plenty of advantages of their own, however. For starters, they obviously had greater numbers. Even if Meatwad and the Wi-Tri could help summon a few more allies, Ike, Mr. Hankey, Randy, and Craig would always be summoning more and more enemies. 

When it came to abilities, the South Park side definitely took quantity. They could manipulate the weather, inflict status effects, buff themselves and allies, grant themselves and allies invincibility, and more. Their biggest boon, however, was the ability of a few units, Butters and Tolkien to be exact, to siphon the life force out of their enemies. Other units, namely Storyteller Jimmy and Princess Kenny, could also mitigate or entirely negate Shake’s AP advantage by lowering his attack stat.

So with both having methods of one-shotting the other, who wins this category? 

Given Cartman and his units are quite literally infinitely faster, it would be a lot easier for them to fire off their own wincons before Shake and Meatwad could. The Time Manipulation device also lets him slow down Shake and Meatwad even further, allowing him to destroy their gear with little issue. Without their gear, there’s little they could do to stop Cartman from transmuting them into animals or using units to siphon their life force away. 

With only Ol’ Drippy to quickly revive Shake, it’s only a matter of time until he runs out of quick revives and has to wait days or more to come back. The same can apply to Meatwad, who, as durable as he is, has not encountered anything like life drain before.

Cartman takes this category, though it is certainly close.

Tertiary Factors

This category is yet another victory for Cartman. As strange as it may seem, the 10 year old boy unironically has more experience than the 30 (or 40) year old milkshake. 

Master Shake is certainly no slouch, his cup has been around the block. Though his age is vague (30 or 40, not even he knows), his encounters don’t always involve combat. In fact, many of them involve him being grievously injured or just outright killed. 

Comparatively, Cartman typically plans things out or manipulates people for his own benefit. He might not always get away with it due to Kyle and the others, but just setting the plans in motion is already a step up over what Shake normally does. 

Combat experience and skill are a similar story. While Shake has been shown to be a capable fighter thanks to Plantasm and Zombie Ninja Pro Am, it still pales in comparison to Cartman’s own experience. Defending South Park from aliens, mutant turkeys, killer toys, evil clones, nazi zombies, chasing his half brother through time, beating the Manbearpig and the Anti-Christ, and preventing an eldritch god from rising are more than enough to let Cartman take this category.

Conclusion

Master Shake

“Oh, you like to be free, huh? Well, feel free to feel your ass burn!”

Advantages:

• Far stronger and more durable.

• Takes speed if you use finite ends.

• Resurrection would allow him to come back from anything Cartman throws at him…

• Meatwad’s T-Shirt of the Dead could potentially end the fight instantly by transmuting or BFRing Cartman.

• Resisted Cartman’s mind control, freezing, and BFR options.

• Clamidian Jewel was more reliable and easier to use than Cartman’s V-Chip.

• Meatwad’s abilities and Shake’s gigantic AP advantage could potentially bypass Mitch Conner’s damage negation/transfer by one-shotting Cartman.

• Meatwad’s telepathy would allow him to influence Cartman and many of his summons.

• Voiced by Dana Snyder.

• Bisexual icon and trans ally.

Disadvantages:

• 0 infinite speed feats of his own.

• Significantly less healing options.

• …but without the Time Warner vest or Ol’ Drippy, it takes way too long to kick in and the fight would be over by then.

• Significantly smaller arsenal.

• Greatly outnumbered.

• No immediate answer to Cartman’s transmutation.

• Less experience and skill.

• Season 12.

• Is mean to Meatwad.

Eric Cartman

“Thanks for standing there like a bitch deer in the headlights.”

Advantages:

• Infinitely faster.

• Wider array of weapons and abilities. 

• Better and more numerous healing options. 

• Could target Shake’s Time Warner vest and prevent him from coming back quickly.

• Could mitigate or negate Shake’s AP advantage with certain PD units.

• Outnumbered Shake and Meatwad with his summons.

• Greater experience and skill against a wider variety of enemies. 

• Smarter on average.

• Warpo Ray would allow him to negate Shake’s durability.

• Beat Charlie Brown in a rap battle. (Don’t lie.)

• Incapable of being insulted if he loses weight.

Disadvantages:

• Significantly weaker.

• Lower pain tolerance. 

• Requires the fight to go on to build up charge for his ultimate or to gather enough energy to summon units.

• Cannot keep Master Shake dead permanently.

• Meatwad’s abilities and Shake’s gigantic AP advantage could allow them to potentially bypass Mitch Conner’s damage negation/reflection by one-shorting Cartman.

• V-Chip was inferior to the Clamidian Jewel.

• Neither him nor the vast majority of his units have shown any resistance to mind control.

• Snow Day.

• Is mean to Butters.

Master Shake was certainly a powerful combatant and definitely had his own wincons, but unfortunately for him, he was just too slow to pull these off reliably. 

While Cartman was undeniably physically weaker than Shake, it really didn’t matter. With Cartman’s various weapons, abilities, and allies, he could ignore Shake’s physical durability. Though he might not be able to permanently kill Shake, he’d keep him down long enough to get the victory. 

Master Shake may have been number one in the hood, but when in South Park, he’d have to respect Cartman’s authoritah. 

The winner is Eric Cartman.

Credit

Credit to DoctorMooDB’s Eric Cartman VS Bio, Capejedi’s The Boss vs New Kid blog (the source of Cartman’s calcs, huge HUGE shout out to them), GBA’s Eric Cartman vs Porky Minch blog, and all the various VSBW calcs used. Eric’s side of the blog would not be possible without their works.